The Issue with Dating

I have been single for twelve years and counting, and I have been celibate for almost eleven years. Shocking huh? Committing to singleness and celibacy was one of the most challenging decisions I’ve made as a man, and I made it only because I’ve always strived to be different, to redefine what it meant to be a man. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. Before I committed myself back to a single and celibate lifestyle, I came to a conclusion that what was considered the dating norm wasn’t for a guy like me. For most of my life, I was a guy who had a goal, and I wanted to create something magical, something meaningful. I wanted to be like no other guy since I was a little boy, and even though sex was a norm for my peers, I did anything to separate myself because someone had to do it differently and create a more meaningful standard.

When I was this curious kid who wanted to learn about love and understand it, I didn’t really date. After I became an adult, my approach to dating was a lot different than everyone I met. I had a goal in mind, and it was to create a relationship with some depth, understanding, communication, trust, respect, passion, adventure, love, and romance. I wanted to have a relationship where I could pour into her so she could continue to blossom into the most amazing woman she aspired to be. I had a goal in mind, and since I grew up a wrongfully stubborn kid, I learned to redirect my stubbornness towards more meaningful things, so nothing or anyone wasn’t going to change my mind.

In 2005,  Myspace started to be the “it” thing, and this is when online dating started for me. I recall when I used to get messaged by random girls flirting with me and attempting to date me. I’ve always had a goal and standard, so I didn’t allow myself to date just anyone because I knew it was a waste of time, but I did flirt a lot, which was fun and hilarious. I was a confident guy, and I was told a lot that I was great with words, and people enjoyed my writing in the blog I had on Myspace at this time. Doing this time, I started to explore dating websites with the same goal in mind. However, I found it challenging to communicate with people because no one had the same purpose as I; most was dating without any real goal at all.

After spending sixteen years with online dating, I came to a conclusion after conversing with hundreds of women over the years through online dating sites, social media, traveling, jobs, meeting women through friends or business that pretty much no one approaches dating or relationships with a goal. People dating (both men and women) goes as deep as the surface level.

I think about all the people I have come across in my life that I have talked to about relationships, whether someone was asking me for advice or only having a discussion, that there is no real goal in mind when it comes to finding their life partner. I continue to talk to people worldwide, and I think about all of the women I’ve conversed with over the recent years or am currently conversing with on Tinder. They have no goal, which is a major issue in dating and relationships. I always ask meaningful questions to make people really think, but they either can’t answer them or give me a blank reply. I find myself having to dumb down my questions at times so women can understand what I’m asking. I asked a lady a simple question of what she wanted in a man, and she simply said, “someone to love my daughter and me.” Now, there is nothing wrong per se with that answer, but genuine love should be a given even though it is not. That was the only question she was able to answer, and maybe that’s all she really wants, no matter who the man that comes into her life, even though there are so many variables that go into making someone compatible.

After years of assessing dating through my journey, I conclude that this is one of the underlining issues with people and who they end up with. There are more failed relationships than successful ones because people don’t have a real goal. People are not putting themselves in a position for a successful relationship. People continue to date just because they like someone, she is pretty or fine, he has a nice beard, someone has a nice butt or body, nice job or car, etc.